I don’t know how to not be ashamed of my large size. My fat.
I don’t like using the word fat. It makes me feel that aforementioned shame.
I can hear my grandmother say so judgmentally “that has a
lot of calories” to me when I was making that mozz pesto sandwich in the
kitchen. I remember my mom telling me she was afraid I wouldn’t get a job
because of my weight/size. In high school, responding to my desire that I wanted
to maybe be a cheerleader with, you need to start by losing 30 pounds. Listening
to my godmother rail on herself, and hearing my mom tell me my godsister wanted
to essentially have an intervention with me about my size/weight/weight gain.
It’s not like I don’t notice, that I don’t feel it or see
it. That I want to hide sometimes and not do certain social things that may
involve increased attention, like fancy bars or clubs or bachelorette parties
where it’s all about women on display, getting all gussied up and wearing tight
jeans and heels and flirting with men because they can. I’m the one that no man
talks to, or does it b/c he’s the wingman that drew the short straw. Here’s
where you tell me that I’m projecting it, that it’s not really there, but you’re
wrong. There’s that shame again.
And now, this idea of food addiction, like I’m a lowlife
degenerate mainlining pasta and cake, it makes me feel worse. How am I supposed
to value myself and take care of myself and love myself enough to change when
this is how I view it? I’m ashamed and I feel low and don’t want to spend time
thinking about how I look, how will that translate into me loving myself? Suddenly
it comes from a place of pride and care about myself? How can I care about a
degenerate? How do I value that person? That fat ugly person that looks forward
to going home at night and ordering delivery or making food she already has,
but too much of it, while watching tv, and then goes straight to bed? And finds
that comforting?
A distraction from the fact that I have no one to go home
to. Because I’m fat and don’t want to be seen. I want to be loved but I don’t
want to be seen. I want someone to do the loving me, so I don’t have to,
because I don’t know what that’s like. I feel like the things you’re supposed
to do if you have self-respect, I haven’t really done those things, have i? I’ve
drank too much, I’ve gotten in trouble with the law (once), I’ve not gone to events beacuse of shame and pride when I could have gone, i've had sex with people that weren’t
good for me, couldn’t/wouldn’t leave because I liked the attention,
and sometimes at the expense of morals. For what? I can be a really ugly person sometimes and I have been. The last thing I truly regret doing was not
going to **** and ******* wedding, in 2009. That was the last time I was at my
highest weight, and so depressed from not finding a job. I’m back up at that
weight now, and I’m feeling ashamed and depressed while wedding dress shopping
with **********. I’m the heaviest of the bridesmaids, I can’t wear a strapless dress
and look good in it. I’m ashamed, and I’ll be ashamed in front of about 200
people.
It feels like a mountain to actively ignore all of that and
push that down and pretend I am a person motivated and ready to finally make that
life for this girl who deserves it. Who I’m supposed to believe deserves it.
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