eat all the things

...thankfully that didn't actually happen, but for a couple of brief moments today, my mind wandered to my compulsion to just eat eat eat...a longing for carbs and fat and salt and comfort.

i was accompanying a coworker on an errand today, and we walked through an office building at lunchtime, so there were competing food smells. whatever it was smelled really good, and my first thought was "i can't ever have anything like that ever again"; and then sadness. or self-pity, or something, i don't know.

there was a second time i had that same feeling, but i can't remember what triggered it. i was on the metro commuting home, and i thought about how i feel when i'm in "eat eat eat" mode. there's that numbing almost, that familiar momentary erasing of..everything, i suppose. i did my best to lean into the feelings. to tell myself "it's not the last time you'll have those foods. they aren't going anywhere. but you don't need to have them in order to escape from whatever emotions you're trying to push down". it's not the food that's going away (though eating healthier is of course the better course of action), it's the scenario in which (and portion) that i eat it.

that seemed to help, and i had myself a small, healthy dinner. it's almost been two weeks of eating better, and i feel okay. i've had an emotionally exhausting week, and i think it's just the combination of being tired and stress at work. the good news is that i haven't taken it out on eating. i did, however, break down and cry at the gym, but that is neither here nor there.

i still feel tired. i feel like i'm barely holding on, and i don't have much mental and emotional energy to give. i need to have some real recovery time soon. treat myself to something relaxing.

...which reminds me, at some point, my goal is going to be to find a new something that's familiar, that's comfortable. and cheap, because mama isn't made out of money, kids.