thoughts

last night was one of those rare evenings this month where i didn't have any plans. i could just go home, and usually that is a recipe for overeating.

but yesterday was so stressful at work, i didn't even have *time* to think about having that comfort food/compulsive eating...until i walked in the door. i was so tired. i closed the door, took off my shoes, and had that all-too-familiar pang of wanting comfort. there was an unease as i changed into non-work clothes and then sat down on my couch. sometimes it feels like disappointment, "the end of an era", where i could eat anything i wanted and i didn't care. though i suppose i still live in that world, i could still make that choice.

i rushed to heat up some salmon (it seems my concession into the compulsive feeling were to have a little more than the palm-sized 4-5 ounces) and then a fage greek yogurt cup.

i watched a little tv and went to bed. even waking up today, with a full night's sleep, i still feel overwhelmed with work and having to go to the gym for a trainer appointment tonight and tomorrow. my stomach has been in knots all afternoon - but i get that way before each training session. my trainer pushes me and pushes me, and i'm still pretty out of shape and i don't like not being able to do things well. but i suppose that's the point - that's the norm and i should get used to it. but it doesn't stop the nerves and the little bit of anxiety, at least not yet.

*

my biggest accomplishment, i think, has been staying away from sugar. aside from fruit, i've really tried to avoid other sugary culprits. i've had one or two diet sodas in the past week and a half, two glasses of wine at our work holiday party on monday, and the fage yogurt cups i eat have little side pockets of fruity jam-y sort of stuff, and those have added sugar - i've just eaten half of the portion of the fruity stuff. i'm proud of that.

there is a mountain of sweets in our work kitchen right now. brownies, blackberry cobbler, spice cake, truffles, toffee bark, and peppermint bark. seriously, all of that is in our kitchen right now. and i haven't touched them, and so far i haven't felt a desire to. more like annoyance at their existence.

*

i'm happy with how i've been doing and where i am right now. i'd imagine if i wasn't eating so healthfully and mindfully, and wasn't exercising like i am, i'd feel much much worse, but i'm still tired and overwhelmed. i can feel myself majorly losing steam physically and it's only wednesday. i think it's the stress and pressure at work that is continually grating on me right now, and i'm not sure how to make it better.

in the moment

it's 7pm on saturday. i ate a good breakfast, and after my outing with a friend, chose a healthy lunch (salad from noodles and company), and then came home around 4:30pm. these last few hours have been tough. i had about a cup of grapes, and then a full piece of trader joe's naan with a trader joe's paneer tikka masala frozen meal. the naan and the tikka masala was definitely more caloric than i have really been eating this week. i feel a little bit like i failed, because i could have chosen some chicken and asparagus, or a salad with some chicken, ie; something much healthier.

and if i'm trying to abide by this whole "abstinence" idea, the white bread and rice doesn't really fit into that.

do i pat myself on the back for not ordering delivery? for not diving headfirst into the candy cane jojo's? (i believe that's the third trader joe's food item i've mentioned in one post..i really like trader joe's, compulsive eating aside)

i'm trying to do my best now to accept - to accept my meal choice, to accept the weird feelings i'm having from wanting to keep eating. it's like i'm uncomfortable, or anxious, or there's this bit of panic because i'm at home, i'm watching tv, and that's it - shouldn't i be eating? it's what i do when i'm at home. i'm comfortable, i'm by myself, i can relax. but having to really be mindful and mentally/emotionally *work* at something, that can be hard to do.

luckily this "too cute!" marathon on animal planet is really helping. adorable puppies and kittens are quite distracting, as it turns out.

weekend

so i suppose this is the first real challenge. my kryptonite - being at home. all weekend. i have plans with a friend this afternoon so that'll keep me busy for a while, but this evening and all day tomorrow, that is going to be the challenge.

what do i do with myself? okay, i know the real answer: anything! go to the gym, read my kindle, take a nap, work on the crocheted scarf i've been working on for almost two years (yes, seriously), perhaps do a little christmas shopping, clean my apartment. those are all options. and in the course of a weekend i can really do all of those things.

but i want to just watch tv and eat whatever i want.

i'm going to do my best to be mindful.

*

there have been moments this week when i've had the opportunity to eat something sugary, or let loose and get something wholly unhealthy, and i didn't.

last night i met my friends at a mall to see the hobbit, opening night. we were waiting in line and taking shifts to go have a quick meal at tgifriday's. very few things on that menu are under 1000 calories. it was around 7pm, and i hadn't eaten in about 6 hours, and work had been particularly mentally exhausting. i was struggling. i ended up choosing one of the "under 750 calories" dishes and was proud of myself, and it did taste good. and i left some on my plate.

i made the choice to get something healthy, even though the comfort and familiarity that comes with eating a burger or some dish with lots of fat (aka deliciousness) was SO tempting. a part of me still even feels a little pang, a little flash of disappointment that i chose something healthy.

*

that's obviously the compulsive eater part of me. and it's okay that she's there. she's been there for god knows how many years, and she won't go away after only like 5 days of mindful eating.

i'm going to embrace her and accept her. for today at least.

fitness

my intention was to get up at 5am and make it to a 5:45am body pump class - instead i reset my alarm for 7am. but 30 minutes into my reentry into slumber, i woke up. so at 5:30am, i gave up, gave in, and i went to the gym. i was already late to the class, but i had a backup plan.

so my group of friends and i (affectionately known as The CC) have decided to do a 5K in february, so i finally started the C25K program this morning. i wasn't sure how i'd do. i know i'm stronger than i was two months ago (when i started with the new trainer) but you never know how that translates to cardio. especially running. 

i didn't go fast, and it was only week 1 day 1, but it was EASY. i wasn't even tired afterwards. it felt more like a warmup than anything else. i am happy, and i'm also trying not to get too far ahead of myself. slow and steady progress.compartmentalizing (fitness for fitness' sake - not tying it to weight loss). one day at a time just like how i'm treating my eating issues.

follow up to day three: it was a little bit of a struggle. i ate healthfully but i did feel hungry all day. i felt wanting. but i didn't go home and add any mound of cheese to my asparagus, spaghetti squash and chicken. i was mindful of portions and ingredients. so i'm letting those feelings go and moving on today.

since i had a pretty stellar start to the day, i'm going to embrace those feelings for the time being (even though only 15 minutes into my work day, i've already got several fires to put out. it never ends*.)

*note to self: i am thankful for having a job that challenges me. i am thankful for being able to buy groceries, and have a problem that i eat too MUCH food, as opposed to not having access to food (and clean water) and starving. i'm thankful that i have full use of all my limbs and am relatively healthy despite being overweight. i am very lucky. 

day three

i felt really good yesterday, which was day two of me trying to be more mindful about my post-work compulsive eating. in fact i didn't think at all about eating a ton of food. in fact, when i came home (post-gym/trainer appointment), i roasted a bunch of asparagus and chicken. since the chicken takes longer than the asparagus, while i waited for the chicken i ate some asparagus for dinner, and didn't even finish what was on my plate - i realized i was full and put the rest in tupperware. full disclosure, there was a teeny-tiny voice inside of me, deep in the caverns of my insides, that called out "but you're stopping?" it wasn't the overwhelming majority opinion, and it clearly lost the battle. but just for a moment, it was there. and when the chicken was done i put that directly into tupperware also. no problem.

this morning (day three) a few minutes after i sat down at my desk for work, i began thinking about having that chicken and asparagus for dinner tonight. i also have some spaghetti squash - and then i thought, "well that's too healthy and straightforward and boring" - and then i thought about melting some cheese with all of it.

now, cheese isn't the worst thing i could possibly conjure up, but, i wanted to stop myself and get to writing, because, why in gods name am i thinking about how to make my dinner, about 10 hours from now, more comforting? it's 9am.

maybe because i'm hungry and i haven't eaten breakfast yet? my dinner was lighter yesterday, and i've been up for an hour and a half so far today, without eating anything; i should be hungry. or because tonight is the ONE night this week when i don't have any plans, so my brain automatically goes to compulsive-eating mode? i don't know. probably? maybe a combination of the former and the latter?

because it's such an odd thing - i am hungry, right now. but my mind goes to adding on calories and rich foods at DINNERTIME. not right now. i'm not daydreaming about going out and buying a greasy breakfast sandwich, or even a burger for lunch. my mind goes straight to dinner at home.

i should probably just eat some breakfast and move on with my work day, but day three seems like it might be a real challenge.

anxiety

i'm a little bit overwhelmed at work - i've been making normal, healthy choices all day (an apple, a cup of coffee with some half and half, about 3/4 of a trader joe's ready-made salad...and ok, one small bite of green tea flavored pinkberry) but i'm having this feeling in the pit of my stomach...

i'm anxious about failing at work - our big annual conference, 3500 people strong, is one month away. we're down to the wire on a lot of aspects, many of which i'm responsible for, and my stomach is in knots over it. i want comfort, i want familiar and secure. and it's not that i want to eat right NOW, it's the idea of going home in three hours and overeating (and/or eating unhealthfully) that creeps into my mind.

i have a gym appointment with my trainer* tonight, so that puts a check-mark in the NOT overeating column. having something to do after work and minimizing the time i'm home alone in my apartment helps, plus the post-workout endorphins will alleviate a lot of the stress i am currently sitting with.

so this is that feeling: the anxiety, the fear, that makes me turn to something comforting. so here's where i substitute the food with something else? something else familiar, secure? i don't know what that is right now, but i'm trying to just sit with the anxiety, not make any moves in any direction, but feel it, hold it, ruminate, before i do anything.



*another activity that often causes me anxiety, even though i know it's good for me and i'm happy i'm doing it. but that's probably best for another post.

questions

((then i absolutely did not keep up with the food writing. the dinners got worse, the breakfasts and lunches have stayed about the same.))

for weeks (more than a month now) my therapist has been urging me to go to overeaters anonymous. she's boiled my junk (emotional issues, shortened) down to food addiction. that's probably being a little general, but we'll go with it for now. i'm not making this the war and peace of blog posts.

here's what's been on my mind.

i compulsively overeat most nights, and often on weekends when i'm home by myself for several hours.  - that in and of itself is a big step for me, admitting the compulsive nature of my relationship with food. i can understand that, i can work with that.

i understand coping with food. i get it, i know i do it, and i don't WANT TO anymore. i know when i do it, and i know why i do it. but an addict? that has such a gravitas to it that i don't accept for myself. in my mind, an addiction is a 24/7 thing, despite the rest of that person's life happening around them. does that  make me a functioning addict? an addict-lite?

i'm genuinely trying to understand how i can best help myself, but i'm having a hard time with the word addict - so many of the programs i've researched model themselves after AA, or any of the other "anon" programs.  i have a great job at which i've been promoted, i have my own apartment, a car, great friends and family - is this being defensive or just factual? if coping with food is my addiction, i can understand that but i can't understand or accept being an addict as it relates to those other programs. and if i can't understand or accept being an addict as it relates to those other programs, THROUGH those programs, then what am i supposed to do?