christmas

i made it through christmas. there were some feelings of lonlieness (how nice it would be to have someone at christmas...) and some overeating (being at my parents house was not easy) but all in all, i'm feeling okay. even with about 3 pounds gained since last week. i don't feel scared about getting back on track.

(at least, eating-wise. exercise wise, i haven't done a thing since last thursday, which is almost a week now)

i really don't like drawing attention to any weight loss efforts when i'm around my parents, even though i know my dad has lost some weight, and my mom has her issues too. but my mom especially has had some choice moments with me growing up that i deeply resent, and so i really don't like telling her (or my dad, but my dad and i don't really talk about emotions) about what i'm trying to do. i also get nervous because i don't want to tell her she had a hand in it.

not to say that being wholly overprotective of myself to the point of eating more/poorly is a great response. and perhaps it was just an excuse to relapse. i managed to drum up enough courage to decline sugar/dessert and it made me feel really uncomfortable. happy with my choice, mind you, but uncomfortable that it would open a conversation about my weight/size. because that is NOT something i want to dicuss with my mother. she's demonstrated MANY times over the years that she doesn't think i can get very far in the world if i stay at my own size. with various dreams, jobs, and certainly my love life. that really hurts, to be honest.

but back at work today, i feel normal. i don't feel like i'm in some deep eating habit chasm i have to climb my way out of. and for today, that's good. i do, however, feel a little like that about exercising though. and that i don't like. but i'll call it a win on the food side of things, for sure.