thoughts

last night was one of those rare evenings this month where i didn't have any plans. i could just go home, and usually that is a recipe for overeating.

but yesterday was so stressful at work, i didn't even have *time* to think about having that comfort food/compulsive eating...until i walked in the door. i was so tired. i closed the door, took off my shoes, and had that all-too-familiar pang of wanting comfort. there was an unease as i changed into non-work clothes and then sat down on my couch. sometimes it feels like disappointment, "the end of an era", where i could eat anything i wanted and i didn't care. though i suppose i still live in that world, i could still make that choice.

i rushed to heat up some salmon (it seems my concession into the compulsive feeling were to have a little more than the palm-sized 4-5 ounces) and then a fage greek yogurt cup.

i watched a little tv and went to bed. even waking up today, with a full night's sleep, i still feel overwhelmed with work and having to go to the gym for a trainer appointment tonight and tomorrow. my stomach has been in knots all afternoon - but i get that way before each training session. my trainer pushes me and pushes me, and i'm still pretty out of shape and i don't like not being able to do things well. but i suppose that's the point - that's the norm and i should get used to it. but it doesn't stop the nerves and the little bit of anxiety, at least not yet.

*

my biggest accomplishment, i think, has been staying away from sugar. aside from fruit, i've really tried to avoid other sugary culprits. i've had one or two diet sodas in the past week and a half, two glasses of wine at our work holiday party on monday, and the fage yogurt cups i eat have little side pockets of fruity jam-y sort of stuff, and those have added sugar - i've just eaten half of the portion of the fruity stuff. i'm proud of that.

there is a mountain of sweets in our work kitchen right now. brownies, blackberry cobbler, spice cake, truffles, toffee bark, and peppermint bark. seriously, all of that is in our kitchen right now. and i haven't touched them, and so far i haven't felt a desire to. more like annoyance at their existence.

*

i'm happy with how i've been doing and where i am right now. i'd imagine if i wasn't eating so healthfully and mindfully, and wasn't exercising like i am, i'd feel much much worse, but i'm still tired and overwhelmed. i can feel myself majorly losing steam physically and it's only wednesday. i think it's the stress and pressure at work that is continually grating on me right now, and i'm not sure how to make it better.