Sunday, December 30, 2012

sugar and not sweet things.

so i'm still doing my best to avoid sugar. this does not include: fruit, alcohol (though i don't drink that much anyway) and general savory foods. for example, my fage yogurt cups come with the side  of whatever fruit mix, which has sugar in it. i purposefully don't eat all of it, usually about half.

this afternoon i was having some soup as part of my lunch (trader joe's creamy corn and roasted red pepper soup) and as i took my first spoonful i thought, "hm, this tastes like it has a lot of sugar in it..." even though it's still savory, i could taste the sweetner. i checked the label afterwards - and the 4th or 5th ingredient was honey - and a one cup serving had 11 grams of sugar. which is fairly high, in my opinion. (actually, now that i look, the sodium content is pretty high too)

i'm actually not upset about the sugar, i'm oddly proud that my tastebuds could detect it in the first place.

i'm proud of myself for staying away from all the desserts during the holidays. it's been three weeks since i decided to cut out sweets/sugar, the only exception being: two bites of my mom's peppermint ice cream pie, and ONE white chocolate peppermint m&m. haha, clearly my weakness is chocolate and peppermint. but that's okay. there has been SO much in my path - weeks of sugary treats at work, my parents' house filled with christmas candy and cookies, and more.

so it's interesting to me that i would be able to detect high sugar levels in a SOUP. i think that's kind of cool, if i do say so myself.

so that's the good news.

the bad news, is that, i'm sitting in my apartment, doing some laundry, watching some tv, i just had a snack (gala apple) and i'm thinking about going over to my parents' house tonight - to watch football, and, eat. i want to eat two hotdogs with several handfuls of kettle cooked chips, dipped in ranch dressing, with diet soda. or some other sandwich with chips and soup and soda. that semi-antsy feeling like, i need to be calmed down or get some relaxation with food.

so what is it that's making me feel this way? i've been eating well and exercising, taking my anti-depressant. though  i haven't seen anyone (friends/family)since thursday, maybe that's it.

i don't quite know how to describe it, but when i'm eating healthfully/mindfully, sometimes it makes me feel - not grounded. like i'm existing on some level above myself that feels precarious and unsustainable. and at some point i'll float back down to earth and eat more heavily, because that makes more sense. i guess that's the food compulsion.

it feels like i want to just take a BREAK from all of this, and be able to eat whatever i want, even if it is unhealthy. but it's odd that i don't feel like doing that here, at home (which that is even an improvement in and of itself) - i feel like if i stay here at home, i'll make healthy choices.

and honestly, maybe there's a little part of me that's kind of sad/embarrassed that i go to my parents' so often. which is indirectly (in my own crazypants brain) saying that i don't have a boyfriend, and i don't have any friends that live within 40 minutes of my apartment. all of my friends (and my parents) live 40 mins away.

sometimes i feel really alone. no one else has a job in the city, no one else lives in my town, or commutes on the metro, AND is single. i feel like i'm not in the same life place as any of my friends - at least not those that live close enough to me. and i wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world, they are AMAZING, but i feel alone.

my friends are married, engaged, have/having babies, co-habitate with their significant others. as much of a homebody as i am, they are way more settled than i am. it's definitely something i want too (minus the babies, i'm pretty sure) but i sometimes wish i still had some single, social friends to do new things with.

i want it. i want the comfort of my parents house, where they know i eat a lot and i CAN eat a lot. where i can forget about myself and just eat. i want the hot dogs and the chips and the diet soda, i really do.


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